1
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,759
Er, excuse me, do
you sell buckets?

2
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,240
Buckets? No.

3
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,038
Really?

4
00:01:11,039 --> 00:01:12,880
No call for them. Old-fashioned.

5
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,919
So how do people, you know,
like, carry water and stuff?

6
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,879
Well, everything's
plumbed-in these days.

7
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,719
You know, it's piped to
wherever it needs to be

8
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,239
so there's no need for
anyone to carry any by hand.

9
00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:25,999
What colour bucket?

10
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,399
Well, doesn't really
matter. Any colour.

11
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,239
No, sorry, I can't help you.

12
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:33,680
A hosepipe, that's the
closest we do. Garden section.

13
00:01:35,479 --> 00:01:36,799
OK.

14
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,679
Excuse me?

15
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,999
Is that right that you don't
sell buckets any more?

16
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,879
I'm sorry?

17
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,879
Your colleague just told me that
you don't sell buckets any more

18
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,559
because they're old-fashioned.

19
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,520
Do you mean those things that
people used to carry water in?

20
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:53,679
Yeah.

21
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:57,839
Oh... We haven't stocked
buckets in a while, mate.

22
00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,640
Tell you what, you might want to try
the Vintage and Antiques Emporium.

23
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,919
Enjoy big savings on solvents
this summer at Tool Box.

24
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,399
White spirits, meths
and turpentine...

25
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,359
Did you see Celebrity
Barrel Scrapers last night?

26
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,759
Did I see what?

27
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,559
Celebrity Barrel Scrapers.

28
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,999
It's like... You know
Barrel Scrapers, the show?

29
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,159
Well, it's like that but
the celebrity version.

30
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,199
I haven't got a telly.
Are you serious,

31
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,559
there's a programme called
Celebrity Barrel Scrapers?

32
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,719
Yeah. Didn't recognise any
of the celebrities in it, though.

33
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,239
Apart from that bald bloke
from, er, what's-it-called...

34
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,559
It's funny, though.

35
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,279
What do they do,
the celebrities?

36
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,519
Just, you know, scrape the
barrels out, get 'em clean.

37
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,439
Gets really messy.
It's dead good.

38
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,199
Hang on, you don't have a TV?

39
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,839
No.

40
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,280
Prick.

41
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,159
Everyone's going to the
pub next Friday after work.

42
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,039
It's someone's
birthday. You coming?

43
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,319
Whose birthday?

44
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,719
Bloke who cuts the MDF.

45
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,599
-Andre.
-Mm-hm.

46
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,480
Maybe. I'll see.

47
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,079
A big tall guy, about six
foot. A big white be a..

48
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,799
Him! Him, there,
with the white beard!

49
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,920
-Him! -OK, thank you.
-I'll, um... -Here we go.

50
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,759
Did you tell that customer
we don't sell buckets?

51
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:15,959
No.

52
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,519
He said you told him
we don't sell buckets,

53
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,359
that there's no call for them.

54
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:23,159
-Oh, BUCKETS? - Oh!
-Is that what he was after?

55
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,159
I couldn't understand
what he was saying.

56
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,959
What time do you go to bed?

57
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,439
None of your business, Gordon.

58
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,039
It is my business if my staff
are falling asleep on their feet

59
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,199
and they can't hear
the customers properly.

60
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,360
You don't lose your hearing
when you're tired. Oh...

61
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,720
Hello, Hilary? Is everything OK?

62
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,839
-OK, I'll be right there.
-No...

63
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,039
No, it's fine. I'm not busy.

64
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:49,799
No, honestly,
it's not a problem.

65
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,599
Yes.

66
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,240
OK, I'm on my way.

67
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,159
I've got to go. Me
dad's lost something.

68
00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,600
Lost something?

69
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,600
Have you been on your break?

70
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,519
Oh, hello, love. Sorry.

71
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,239
No, it's all right.
What's happened?

72
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,999
I would've waited
till you came in later,

73
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,040
-but he was upset and threatening to call the police.
-Really?

74
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,799
Tina found this on his bed
when he was at breakfast

75
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,359
and brought it to me.

76
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,640
He noticed it was
missing and kicked off.

77
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,919
Bloody 'ell!

78
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,439
Right, um...

79
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,839
Well, I'll... I'll see if I
can get to the bottom of it.

80
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,880
Thanks, Hilary. Sorry.

81
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,559
-Hello, Dad.
-Oh, I'm glad you're here.

82
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,959
There's a thief in this
place and I've had enough!

83
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,479
It's outrageous.
I'm writing a letter.

84
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,759
All right, Dad, calm
down. No-one's stole it.

85
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,399
I've got it here. They
didn't know what it was.

86
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:25,079
It says quite clearly on
the tin what it is - poison.

87
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,439
Well, exactly.
They were worried.

88
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:28,919
I'm not a child.

89
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,158
Why have you got a tin of
poison? What is going on?

90
00:05:32,159 --> 00:05:34,119
Give it here.

91
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,280
Right.

92
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,158
One, two, three,
four, five, six.

93
00:05:38,159 --> 00:05:40,359
Oh, they're all there.
Thank God for that.

94
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,799
I couldn't replicate these.
Once they're gone, they're gone.

95
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,839
Seriously, Dad, why have
you got six phials of poison?

96
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,959
This is the antidote that
dissolves the homunculi,

97
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,239
only to be used in
case of emergency.

98
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,839
It was given to me, I
don't know what's in it,

99
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,559
and I couldn't make it again.

100
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,639
Did you find the diaries?

101
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,399
-Mike?
-Eh?

102
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,839
Did you find the instructions?

103
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,439
-Yes.
-Excellent. So have you got it set up?

104
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,679
No, Dad. I haven't had time.

105
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,359
Well, the sooner you start the
chanting, the sooner you'll be able

106
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,599
to get results and the sooner
you'll be able to ask about Clea.

107
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,319
You have to
chant to the bottles.

108
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,160
It's all there in
the instructions.

109
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,680
Wh-what... what's wrong?

110
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,239
This was in the journal.

111
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,199
There they are!

112
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,119
Oh, my God. I'd
forgotten I took this.

113
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,759
Dad, I'm so confused.

114
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,919
I thought that this was
just a bedtime story.

115
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,079
I didn't think it might
actually be real.

116
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,359
Trust me. You want
to know where Clea is?

117
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,760
When she's coming home?

118
00:06:46,159 --> 00:06:47,839
They can answer any question,

119
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,759
and they're compelled
to answer truthfully.

120
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,679
OK. Just remind me
what they actually are.

121
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,759
Homunculi. Prophesying spirits.

122
00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,799
Right. I looked up "homunculus"
in the dictionary, and it said,

123
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,639
"A very small,
humanoid creature."

124
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,240
-That's it, yeah.
-"That's it"?!

125
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,399
So, what, a human? An animal?

126
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,719
Is this legal?

127
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,159
Well, it's not ILLEGAL.

128
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,599
That doesn't exactly
put my mind at rest, Dad!

129
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,119
Trust me.

130
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,119
Yes, yes. All right.

131
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,999
Before I forget, will you
post some letters for me?

132
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,279
More competitions?

133
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,039
Yeah. This one's foot spa,

134
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,239
this one's dog grooming classes,

135
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,039
and this one's a Lamborghini.

136
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,439
Fingers crossed.

137
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,639
Oh, and this one, er,
you'll need a stamp.

138
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,479
You'll have to go
to the Post Office.

139
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:40,158
It's going to Vancouver,
to my old school friend Vic.

140
00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:42,879
Oh, righto. How
is Vic these days?

141
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:46,239
Much the same. Not much
to say for himself, but, er...

142
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,079
-..he always asks after you.
-After me? Does he?

143
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,719
Yeah, yeah, very interested
in what you're up to.

144
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,039
Did I ever meet him?

145
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,999
Um... Maybe once,
when you were little.

146
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,280
Right. Well, next time...

147
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,120
..tell him I said hello.

148
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,039
-Hello, Olive.
-Hello, Michael.

149
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,359
What you got there? Jars?

150
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,479
-Yep, jars.
-Big, aren't they?

151
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,439
Yep, big jars. What
are you sprinkling today?

152
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,039
-Ant powder.
-Oh, yeah?

153
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,359
Little bastards coming
indoors and eating all the cake.

154
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:19,519
Wankers.

155
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,959
Got to get them early,
otherwise they start bloody flying.

156
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:25,279
You know that? They sprout
wings and start bloody flying

157
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,879
all over the place on 4th
of July, Independence Day.

158
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,119
So, I'm putting the powder down.

159
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,799
-Yeah, that'll learn 'em.
-Mm!

160
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,680
-See you later, Olive.
-Cheerio.

161
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,760
OK, Dad. I'm doing this, am I?

162
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,240
Can you put those in a
bag for me? Thank you.

163
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,039
Please leave a message.

164
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,679
Hello, um, this is, er,
Michael. Michael Sleep.

165
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,879
I'm just leaving a message.

166
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,119
I won't be coming
in today, I'm afraid.

167
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,360
I've got a bit of
a runny bottom.

168
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,439
-Morning, Michael.
-Morning.

169
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,079
Er, morning.

170
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:08,799
Are you just getting
rid of some stuff?

171
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,759
Er, just moving it.

172
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,319
Oh, to out the front here?

173
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,720
That's right. It's
only temporary.

174
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,279
I was going to say,

175
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,239
I'm sorry you didn't get a
chance to take your hedge back.

176
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,839
Don't be sorry.
It's lucky, actually.

177
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:30,759
I spotted a pair of
chaffinches nesting in the ivy,

178
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,999
so I'm glad that we
didn't disturb them.

179
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,360
-Chaffinches?
-Chaffinches!

180
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,799
That reminds me, your
security light at the front,

181
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:47,039
it's flashing on and
off, on and off, all night.

182
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,159
Is it?

183
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:51,239
There must be a branch or a
twig or something waving across it.

184
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,199
You probably don't notice it
if your bedroom's at the back.

185
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,079
-I'll take a look.
-Yes, it's on and off, on and off.

186
00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,199
All night - on and off, on and
off. It's, like, every few minutes.

187
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,719
It's light pollution.

188
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,359
It's disturbing the
little chaffinches.

189
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:05,879
Light pollution... OK.

190
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,159
Just off to the DIY store.
Do you need anything?

191
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,319
No. Thanks.

192
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,279
-Are you sure? I get a... - Nope.
-I get a staff discount.

193
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,000
-No, thanks.
-All right.

194
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,479
All right, skiver?!

195
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,039
I thought you had the shits!

196
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,319
Sh!

197
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,799
Don't let him know I'm here!

198
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,719
Do you know, I'm having to do
twice as much work cos of you.

199
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,039
Well, you usually do fuck all,
so twice fuck all is still fuck all.

200
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,559
Mm.

201
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,279
Why are you here?

202
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,080
I need you to get
some stuff for me.

203
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,119
Jesus.

204
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,879
All right, let me finish me cig.

205
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,480
-And, er, remember to get the staff discount.
-OK.

206
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,319
You building a bomb?

207
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:47,719
No!

208
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,159
Crystal meth?

209
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,599
What?

210
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,399
Well, what's all this for?

211
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,199
-I'm cleaning me fish tank.
-What fish have you got?

212
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:56,959
-Pilchards.
-You're lying.

213
00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,039
It's for a project. I'll tell
you about it another time.

214
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,319
-Did he see you? Gordon?
-No.

215
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,800
Kacey, I just wanted to say,
you've still got me credit card.

216
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,360
You're welcome!

217
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:57,280
♪ I've got something
I keep to myself

218
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:03,400
♪ I've got something
I keep to myself

219
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:09,559
♪ I've got something
I keep to myself

220
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,079
♪ And I'm not gonna
tell you what it is

221
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:16,680
♪ Not gonna tell
you what it is.- ♪

222
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,439
Before the jars are sealed,

223
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,719
in each must be placed
a mineral seed item

224
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,640
from which the
homunculus will grow.

225
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,359
The seeds must
be carefully selected

226
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,600
and be specific to
the creature's station.

227
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:47,280
For the Knight, a brass key.

228
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,600
For the Monk, the nib of a pen.

229
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:56,280
For the Peasant, a
plain, undecorated button.

230
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,320
For the Seraph, a
crystal of amethyst.

231
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,920
For the Queen, a gold ring.

232
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:09,280
And for the King, a silver
coin, as old as you can find.

233
00:17:15,319 --> 00:17:18,078
Why does he have
to behave like this?

234
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:21,680
It's like every little thing he
does is designed to wind me up.

235
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,838
I mean, what the
hell's his problem?

236
00:17:25,839 --> 00:17:27,200
Bev?

237
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,559
Huh?

238
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,279
I'm saying, "What's
his problem?"

239
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:32,439
Who?

240
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,639
Gandalf the friggin'
Grey! Who do you think?!

241
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,479
It sounds like you're
the one with the problem.

242
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:37,999
Why can't you just ignore him?

243
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,600
How can I, with
that racket going on?

244
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,199
Why can't he just be normal?

245
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,639
What're you doing?

246
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,879
-I put a mirror down there.
-Oh, and that's normal, is it?

247
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,319
Can you believe
he's had the nerve

248
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,479
to complain about
our security light?

249
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,360
Light pollution
he's accused me of.

250
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,759
I mean, his place is
crawling with vermin.

251
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,839
The amount of insects in
his garden is disgusting.

252
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:09,879
Spiders, wasps... bees.

253
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:13,719
And the effing sparrows
chirping all day long in the bushes.

254
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:15,760
Oh, it drives me insane.

255
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:24,159
Sacris solemniis
iuncta sint gaudia,

256
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:29,559
-et ex praecordiis sonent...
-Great. He's praying.

257
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:34,199
That's all we need
a religious fanatic.

258
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,719
Bev!

259
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:36,959
What?!

260
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,239
What're you listening to?

261
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,159
-A podcast.
-About what?

262
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,800
Sex trafficking.

263
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:49,719
And from the heart
the announcements sound

264
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,719
Residant... Rekedant?

265
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,799
Let the old... old...

266
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,999
Sacred hymns!
May the joys be united!

267
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,080
And from the heralds...

268
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:07,880
-..they sound...
-The heart united with the sacred hymns...

269
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,240
..and from the advertisements...

270
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,239
Hello?

271
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,879
- Are you coming to the pub?
-Who is this?

272
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,239
Kacey! Are you
coming to the pub?

273
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,239
-What time does it go?
-I dunno

274
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,879
Look, we're at the Open As
Usual. You said you'd eat.

275
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,199
Why do you want me to
come to the pub so much?

276
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,519
I'm not asking you out on a date!
I'm just saying we're at the pub.

277
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,679
Fuck's sake, I'm
just being friendly.

278
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,719
All right, I'm sorry.

279
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,080
-Which pub?
-Open As Usual.

280
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,439
-All right?
-Yeah.

281
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:04,839
You all right?

282
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,159
You made it.

283
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,639
You must be made up.

284
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,720
Yeah, I might start weeping.

285
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,239
Oh-ho! Oh, here he
is, Weirdy Beardy!

286
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,080
Hey, someone get
this man a drink!

287
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,600
-Michael? Michael!
-Are you a train spotter? - No.

288
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,599
Are you a virgin?

289
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,239
What are you talking about?

290
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,359
How old are you, 50?

291
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,159
50-year-old virgin!

292
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,560
Oh, shut up, Brigham.
How old are you, five?

293
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,319
I love this freak!

294
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,879
My mate used to work at a
restaurant when you worked there.

295
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,239
Some burger place.

296
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,519
Oh, yeah, Burgers Burgers
Burgers on the high street.

297
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,879
Yeah. Said he stripped off
in front of all the customers!

298
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,439
Only to me vest and pants.

299
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,399
"Only to me vest and pants!"

300
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,759
What for?

301
00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,279
I was resigning and they
wanted the uniform back.

302
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,519
My mate said, right, he swipes
a banoffee pie off the counter,

303
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,479
comes out front, strips off,
flips the manager the bird,

304
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,039
and then walks
out in his boxers.

305
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,119
-Is that true? - Nearly.
-It was a sticky toffee pudding.

306
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,359
And I had to come back
because me clothes and keys

307
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,119
were in the staffroom.

308
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:19,079
Oh, no, no, I'm only having
the one. I've got the car.

309
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,519
Leave it here, get the
bus! Where do you live?

310
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,439
Marvin Gardens, just
off the Wilmslow Road.

311
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:24,999
Oh, my God, yeah, I know it.

312
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,519
Listen, it's a 20 minute
walk from here. You're fine.

313
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:28,919
Do you know Danielle?

314
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,679
She used to live on the corner of
Marvin Gardens. I was mates with her

315
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,559
at school. I ain't spoken
to her in years, though.

316
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,439
She went off to
catering college.

317
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,639
Oh, my God, there used to be
this house on Marvin Gardens, right,

318
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,999
that was just,
like, full of junk

319
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,399
and, like, the garden
was an absolute jungle.

320
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,639
And, I mean, this bloke lived
there, but nobody saw him.

321
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,559
Well, Danielle saw him a
few times, but, anyways...

322
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,959
..he murdered his wife.

323
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,159
Yeah, everyone knew. I mean,
the police dug up his garden

324
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,039
and everything, but
they never found owt.

325
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,279
They reckon he dissolved
her in battery acid

326
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,959
and flushed her down the
loo, so he got away with it.

327
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,760
How long have you lived there?

328
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,360
Oh, my God, that's your house!

329
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:20,480
Did you murder your wife?

330
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,639
I was never married.

331
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,039
But, no, I've never
murdered anyone,

332
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,480
let alone flushed
somebody down the toilet.

333
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:37,959
Come to think of it, everything
Danielle said was absolute bullshit.

334
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,879
Michael? Michael!

335
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,720
Do you like Star Trek?

336
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:04,519
So... were you really
an underwater welder?

337
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,879
-What's that?
-Were you really an underwater welder?

338
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,079
Oh, no, I made that up.

339
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:12,639
Do you know, I knew
it, you bullshitter!

340
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,479
I went down a two-hour
underwater-welding rabbit-hole

341
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:19,079
last night! I mean, I
watched videos on YouTube!

342
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,679
I know everything about it.

343
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:24,279
So how does that work, then?
The fire underwater thing?

344
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:26,080
I'm not telling ya.

345
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:37,159
Your mate's story, it
wasn't all bullshit, though.

346
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,639
The police did dig up my garden.

347
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,799
Did me a favour, actually.
Had to clear up afterwards

348
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:46,199
and left it in a better
state than it was before!

349
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,759
Well, what were
they looking for, then?

350
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,759
Me girlfriend.

351
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:54,119
She left one day and
she never came back.

352
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,680
Everyone thought I'd
killed her for a while.

353
00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:59,840
I didn't kill her.

354
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,159
I love her.

355
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,879
Michael! Do you collect stamps?

356
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,279
Why do you find me so
weird, Brigham? I don't get it.

357
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:10,719
Just don't worry about him.

358
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:15,239
No, I don't understand. Is it
simply because I have a beard?

359
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:19,239
Or because I don't go
on the paintballing trips?

360
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,759
Cos that ain't that
bloody weird, is it?

361
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,439
Jason wears gold boots

362
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:27,639
with wings on, but here
you all are ripping into me!

363
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,319
Oh, careful, watch
out, or he'll strip down,

364
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,239
but only to his vest and pants!

365
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,759
You don't know
anything about me.

366
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,319
If you knew what I'm
actually growing in my shed...

367
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,679
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

368
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:41,879
Stop right there,
thank you very much.

369
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:43,639
What are you actually
growing in your shed?

370
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,559
-What you don't know...
-Yeah?

371
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:50,319
..is that I am actually
growing homunc... homunculi.

372
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,080
-I beg your pardon?
-Homunculi!

373
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:57,359
They are prophesying spirits

374
00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:59,279
that can predict the future,

375
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:03,159
and I am growing
them in jars in my shed.

376
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,959
So when I'm winning
billions on the lottery,

377
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:09,159
you won't be laughing
then, will ya, eh?

378
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,639
What the fuck are you on about?!

379
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,119
Homunculi!

380
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:13,479
All right!

381
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:14,880
Let's get you home, yeah?

382
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,039
Are you all right?

383
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,440
I'm fine.

384
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:33,079
So... what are you
growing in jars in your shed?

385
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,439
Homunculi.

386
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,359
-And what's a homunculi?
-No.

387
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,999
No. "Homunculi" is plural.

388
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,159
"Homunculus" is singular.

389
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,239
And they are creatures.
They're like little people.

390
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,360
They're like little
people in jars.

391
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,119
Like sea monkeys?

392
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:52,799
They're a little bit
like sea monkeys

393
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:57,119
but they can predict
the fuchsia... Fuchsia!

394
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,719
I had sea monkeys once.

395
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,519
They were really disappointing.

396
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,439
Like, the advert said that
they were so eager to please,

397
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,879
but my ones, they couldn't
give an apparent fuck.

398
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,959
They're not sea monkeys,
they're homunculi.

399
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:10,679
Can I come and see 'em?

400
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,439
No. Nobody can see
them at the moment

401
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:17,800
because they are invisible to
the human naked eye. So, no.

402
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,119
OK.

403
00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:22,999
You don't have to
walk me home. I'm fine.

404
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,519
Hey, I'm not walking
you home. I live this way.

405
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:27,279
Fine.

406
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:28,720
Fine!

407
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,319
This is me.

408
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:35,080
All right, yeah,
cool. I'm just...

409
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:07,400
♪ I know we're older
now ♪ And lost again

410
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:18,160
♪ Down at the cul-de-sac
♪ You left, my friend

411
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:25,800
♪ I put the kettle on ♪ The
wise man sung for you. ♪